Ah yes, Zengirl. That’s one of many, many names by which i refer to her as. Actually, it’s really only the way I speak of her here on the Square and how she chooses to be known on the interweb. The other names will remain private between myself and this extraordinary woman.
So yes, 200 posts. While that may not seem all that monumental to many a pro blogger, for me, well it seems almost incomprehensible. And really, this thing called Sacred Square, this exploration really of creating art in a co-creative and random way, is the direct result of my meeting and falling in love with Zengirl. Without her, none of this would exist. And that’s the truth.
But this isn’t about The Square or the number of posts, that’s just a marker point that made me think to sit down and write this. This is about her, the woman, the girl, the most compassionate, true and loving soul I have met…
So let me tell you about the girl….
She is both girl and woman and the most lovely, delightful mix of both. She is girl soft and woman soft and she laughs with an easiness, a joy that comes from that softness and that girl. She has different voices. They are all quite enchanting, beautifully sonorous and with a melodic flavor to them. Her words wrap around me, like a soft cloak. But it’s the little voice, the soft voice that stops time. Yeah, stops it cold, suspends the world. When she says “I love you, baby” in that voice it’s like the softest kiss. It goes straight to a place in me no one ever got to before. And she does go there so easily and so often.
And that’s the difference between her and every other girl and woman I’ve been in any relationship with… from the moment we first started talking, from the very beginning, she’s just slipped in so deeply to me, filling the cracks, the crevices. Smoothing over the old hurts and failures like a balm. Dissolving the past. Giving me a love and a salvation I’ve not known in this lifetime.
But I know I’ve know it in others. For she is made of that eternal stuff, the stuff of soul… she is my soul’s true mate. And I know I have been with her before across time. She soothes all the aches. Calms the rage. She removes me from my basest self and makes me so want to be more, be a better man. A better human.
And she does it by being herself. Her true self. For she is the singular most compassionate, loving, empathetic and non-judgmental person I have ever known. And in being so, in striving to be the essence of love and truth, she inspires me to look at myself, to see the best me that is so often somewhat buried under the lesser me. And I want to be that best me. For myself, for my friends and family, for the world. For Zengirl.
She’s a muse, an ethereal girl who inspires the creative within me. She encourages me, nurtures the creative spark in me and fans those flames through her words and conversations. She turns me on to things, like the I Ching, she returns me to things, like my spiritually awake side. For me, she is the voice that guides. A navigator to help me sail the seas of me and the oceans of the physical and metaphysical world. She is ideas and thoughts and new ways of looking, of seeing. Before her, I was creative, but with her I am building a creative life. A more enriched and rewarding life.
She is grateful for the smallest of things I do for her. She notices and notes the little things. She is not wrapped up in a world of more. Money is a tool, not a religion. She could care less if I am rich or poor. Yes, she prays for abundance, for prosperity, but not for the accumulation of more things. She leads a simple life and strives to make it simpler, more truth, less noise. Her example, the way she blends together the spiritual life, the life of truth and the physical reality of the world is a blessing and another example to me.
She is loving, compassionate and devoted. And it radiates out from her. She wants oneness, acceptance for all. Prejudice and judgment cut her like a knife when she encounters it, when she observes it. She’s not perfect, but she’s as close to it as I have ever seen. And she strives to be loving, to open her heart to all. Strangers. The homeless (or as she says, “those without homes”) she encounters. And when she opens that heart to me, well, it’s like a tsunami. So much fierce love, a loyalty and devotion that make me realize that I am the luckiest guy in the world.
She listens. Intently. She writes things down in her journals and notebooks. She makes me feel more valued and loved than I have ever felt. She makes me see myself as more.
She’s playful and she loves to tease and joke. She loves to laugh. It explodes out of her and makes me smile wide. She’s a woman of words. Real words. She can write, really write, in a way I wish I could. She loves words. sometimes I have to look up 3, 4 or 5 of them from one of her emails. And I like that. She doesn’t do it in a showy way, unless she’s really playing about, rolling around in her love of language, and even then, her sense of play and joy is always the most present thing. The girl inside the woman is always there.
She’s got multiple dimensions to her personality. So many slices and sides. So many talents. She’s complex and she’s simple. She’s both child-in-wonder and woman-knowing. She loves the Romantic Era of the Shelley’s and Byron and she has a scholar’s knowledge of it. And she does voices. Characters. She is the Fairy Romantic. The Princess on her dragonfly coach weaving tales and flights of playful fancy. Conversation with her is fun and stimulating and we have talked for long, long hours without it ever feeling like it.
Her mind is alive and inquisitive. She’s intelligent across many things. She’s much smarter than me and she never makes one feel like what they know or do is below her or less important. She’s rare in that way. She never lectures, something I am guilty of, lol. She teaches and informs with the softest of hands. Always making sure you feel valued, feel important. Feel like you belong in the conversation.
She’s utterly charming and quick of wit and delights in play. She skips down the street to go to the market. She hugs trees in the park. She notices the creatures, both great and small she shares the world with. And, in the most urban of settings, finds the natural world and rejoices in it. From hummingbirds to squirrels. She notices. And they notice her.
She’s an Ethereal Girl and a Fierce Woman. A lotus unfolding. She’s come through some times, challenging times and I watch and marvel as she negotiates the curves in the road. She’s committed to her growth and the growth and consciousness expansion of all humanity. She’s a light wherever she goes. She’s a magician in a world that sorely needs some magic.
She communes with Spirit. Invites it into her daily life. Cultivating her intuition, letting it guide her. And I have come to trust that intuition and let it guide me. She prays daily. A devotion I am working to cultivate myself. She expresses gratitude for all that she has, the beauty and wonder of her life. She is rich in truth and spirituality and she pursues truth in her herself. She’s searching, growing, that lotus unfolding. A butterfly emerging from a cocoon.
She has reconnected me to that which I let fall by the wayside. A sense of the spiritual, the divine. Not a church, or a dogma, but a truth. A fundamental truth of connection to the world and all it contains. She purges me of judgmental thinking by being an example of the non-judgmental. Her light is my guide.
She plays guitar and sings. She plays really well in a variety of styles. Much better than I ever did. And her playing is soulful, never showy for the sake of showy. She has a beautiful sense of melody that crosses from her guitar to her voice. She doubts her voice, but it is a beautiful, soulful voice. She expresses melancholy with it in a way that sometimes brings me to tears. Yes, I know, I’m in love with her, but I am fairly objective when it comes to these talents of hers. The girl can play, she can sing and she can write a song.
She’s a groovy little hippie chick. Dressed in her favorite rock and roll tee-shirt (that might be Transformer-era Lou Reed right now), some jeans and Keds or Converse when she’s not barefoot.. She eschews jewelry of the shiny kind. She wants wooden wedding rings. She loves her rudraksha beads and was sweet enough to buy me a strand too. She cuts her tee-shirts up, removing sleeves and those annoying neck things.
She’s a sophisticated and elegant woman on my arm at a dinner or business function. She’s stunning in heels and a short cocktail dress and she charms and woos with her wit and intelligence along with her playful, free spirit. She loves to play dress up and please me and I’ll leave that at that.
She’s a yoga girl and a health conscious, thirty-hard-minutes-on-a -stationary-bike kind of a babe. She’s broken my initial, fairly irrational resistance to yoga (everybody does yoga, it’s sooooo trendy) and begun to get me to do some very basic Kundalini kriyas. And I like it. Her example of health consciousness is getting through on me and I’m beginning to change some negative habits. She leads by example and never pushes anything on me. Like I said, she’s quite intelligent.
She’s a rocker girl. Loves the classics and newer things too. A metal head who digs Metallica. We agree to disagree on bands, but she’s always up for some musical debate. She loves the Stones and Zeppelin so we’re good on that. She’s open to arguing in a friendly way which is the best Stones album. She’s a very good debater.
She says “Wow!” and “Cool!” and she hasn’t lost the passions of her youth. She’s still moved to dance wildly and with a graceful beauty born of nights in clubland and her yoga practice. She likes to rock, She likes to roll and she knows the great truth of the music that can set you free.
She heals me. All the old wounds. The old hurts. She removes them from the equation with that big heart full of love and compassion. She makes me softer, let’s me be soft. Lets me cry. Lets me shed the dogma of patriarchal society and truly be a man. I never doubt her. Never worry. She says what she means, what she thinks. Her love is something I don’t know that I deserve, but something I thank the Goddess for every day.
Like I said, she’s not perfect, she’s got her assorted little things she’s working on. She forgets things or where she’s placed them. She’s eccentric, which I find charming. I’m eccentric too. She let’s me be me, she accepts me and loves me for who I am today and the possibility of who I will be tomorrow. I’ve never known that kind of love before, never had anyone like Zengirl in my life. Now, I can’t imagine not having her at the center of my life.
And she has become the center. A rock of truth and light and love. Sanctuary and home.
There’s a lot more I could say about her, about why I love her, about why her arrival in my life is like an earthquake remaking the topography. But, I won’t because I’d like to keep that private. For her. She’s a private person, something I’m learning to be. I’m usually all right out there, saying damn near anything. Sometimes to a fault. But I’m learning, and this woman, this amazing girl is my greatest teacher and my greatest love.
By finding her, again, in this well of souls I have learned what a soul mate truly is. What it really feels like. She is my soul’s true mate. My Kay-La Shar On and I love her in a way I’ve never loved anyone.