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Embracing Possibility: More Thoughts on Choice and Love

Life is filled with possibility. Stuffed full of it in fact. Now, you may be in a place where your life doesn’t feel like that’s actually true. But, without exception, life is indeed filled with possibility. The key is recognizing just how many possibilities are there and how to live in a way, that chooses the most empowering ones. Yes, I said choosing the most empowering possibility. Not all possibilities we choose are empowering. Some are downright negative. But that’s the nature of life. The nature of choice. The nature of being human.

So what exactly is all this choosing possibility about? Well, let’s look at in relation to that deliciously amazing emotion, love. So perhaps the first question to ask yourself is, “Am I being the possibility of love?” In other words, are you living in such a way as to create the possibility for love to bloom, to take root, to grow? Huh? I’m barely hanging on here on a daily basis, Cos, what the hell are you talking about? I understand if it feels like your days are packed full and that you may feel stressed out and over worked, but you’re still making choices, still creating or not creating possibility.

When it comes to being the possibility of love, (or anything else for that matter), what you’re actually saying is that you’re conscious, you’re operating consciously and in a way that creates that possibility. Creating possibility often means having the “hard” conversations. Adult conversations. The stuff that you know you need to talk about, but for one reason or another, possibly because you think that it will lead to a confrontation, you avoid. By choosing to always be the possibility of love, of having a meaningful adult relationships, you commit to being present and having those conversations with your significant other. You commit to listening. Really listening and not drifting off while they’re talking about something you may find rather mundane. When you are living in that possibility, creating that kind of space, you’re also committing to patience. You’re committing to compassion. You’re committing to lots of lofty human qualities. You may be short on these from time to time, day to day. We all are. Notice that this is about being the “possibility” of, not the “definite reality of” love.

We all have those days. Sometimes it can seem like we’re having that week, or that month, or that year, or, even that life. We can get into ruts, in all our relationships. We can get in a rut with ourselves. And that rut begins with the conversation and choices we’re having and making in our heads. Yeah, those conversations. Those self-absorbed dialogues with our interior companions. But living in possibility, being that possibility is a powerful antidote. Powerful medicine. Good, strong JuJu for the limiting behaviors and conversations that can tend to undermine our true desires. So no, you won’t always be free of those conversations, those thoughts, but you’ll always be making choices, so why not choose more empowering and fun possibilities?

But again, it’s a choice. And you have to make it. Over and over and over. It doesn’t stop. You can’t “fix” yourself, but you can reprogram yourself to a degree. You can break free of limiting behavior, of bad choices, of a cycle of failed relationships. And it begins with choosing to be the possibility of love, trust and meaningful relationships. Or perhaps, you’d phrase it like this; the possibility of love, open communication and an incredible sex life. You get to choose how to define the possibility. And you get to choose how to make that possibility come alive.

Let’s take a look at one of the central issues that so often derail us in living that possibility of love. Let’s talk about trust. Hell, even writing that word makes me mentally jump to places, events, people in my life where trust was broken or not present. And I have to make a choice, right here, right now, to not blame anyone, not blame myself, I have to make a choice to take 100% responsibility for the state of those relationships. Again.

Trust is an interesting issue. Some say trust is earned, and to a degree that is true. If the person you’re madly in love with continually reinforces the possibility that they can be trusted, continually shows you that they are trustworthy, they are, in effect, earning your trust. But trust and love begin with a choice and a possibility. Many of us struggle with trust issues. We tend to put up some serious walls around us. And we tend to have less than empowering conversations in our head. When we have an issue with trust, even the smallest thing, the tiniest scrap of behavior by our lover can be built into a veritable Mount Everest of “proof” that something is going on, that something is not right. That they can not be trusted. And this is where choosing possibility kicks in.

When presented with that conversation in your head, that your beloved is “up to something”, when the Trust button is pushed inside your head, you have a choice to make. You have a possibility to choose. You can choose to be cautious. Wary. Even paranoid. You can choose to hold back, or pull back from them. You can choose the possibility of love with caution. love with limitations, love with fear. Wow, that sounds inviting doesn’t it? Love with fear. Yeah, and that’s not going to be rich in high quality love, rich in meaningful, life changing relationship. Neither is love with caution or love with limitations. But we choose these things. And that choice is based on the past. All the times, all the proofs you have that significant others, love interests, can’t really be trusted. And guess what? That behavior, that choice, is a self fulfilling prophecy.

However if you are consciously making the choice to be the possibility of love, trust and meaningful relationship, then you are going to operating differently. Those little things may not go unnoticed, but your internal conversation, what you make these events mean, is different. Instead of immediately assuming the worst, instead of running off to the mental filing cabinets for the proof, you choose love. You choose to trust.

Now I can already hear the gallery screaming “Naive fool!”, lol. And yeah, I get it. I’m not telling you to ignore the lipstick on his collar, lol. What I am telling you is that when you choose the possibility of trust you don’t jump to conclusions. You don’t allow your mind to go racing down those dark corridors. And when it starts to, you reign that mad pony in fast. You commit to trust. To love. You operate in trust. That means that, yes, you trust them from the start. And you keep trusting them. When they’re working late. And you also operate in trust. You make yourself trustworthy. You create an environment of trust. And here’s something to think about, to consider, wouldn’t it be healthier, and less limiting to live as a naive fool than a paranoid? I mean really, given the choice (and you are given just that), wouldn’t you rather take a few lumps because you were naive than live in the limiting darkness where everyone will screw you over and your heart is only safe when it’s not engaged? Personally, I’ll take the lumps. But, that’s a choice:).

As you may be realizing this is a constant work in progress. Embracing possibility always is. Just like life is. Continually evolving. Never complete, never finished. To stay in the possibility of love you have to keep choosing, over and over, second after second, to be that possibility. If you want love, real meaningful love in your life, then be just that. Operate as if. Choose love. Choose it again and again. When you’re tired. When you’re worn out. Choose to offer your lover a smile because even a tired smile is good medicine. Choose to listen carefully, even through all the distractions of life. Acknowledge them for the wonderful gift they are. Praise and remind them of why you so adore them. Choose the possibility of profound, deep and true love. And then, choose it again.

When you’re operating in the arena of empowering possibility, not only will you tend to have a happier, healthier and far more productive life, but you’ll also deal with life’s upsets, disappointments and outright train wreck failures much better. No you won’t avoid having your heart broken, but you’ll deal with it in a way that makes you grow and learn and continue to embrace the possibility of love. You don’t blame and you take 100% responsibility for the state of your relationships. By doing this you may discover that you have much better relationships.

Choosing to be the possibility of love comes with a bullet list of qualities and actions that would support that possibility, help nurture that reality. Here’s a few to consider…

• Compassion. Love is all about compassion and empathy.
• Listening. As in, really listening. When you really don’t give a damn about what they’re saying.
• Patience. The patience to stay with them when you’re watching them fumble about. the patience to not always say what’s flying through your head. The patience to give them space. The patience to do the little things that nurture and nourish relationships. Gardening takes patience. So does love, so does relationship. The patience to be present, in the moment with them, even when you’re tired.
• Commitment. When you’re tired. When it’s been a hellacious day at the grind. When things just are not going well. When you’re frustrated by them. By their apparent lack of understanding. You have to be committed to not just getting through those spaces, but choosing the possibility of love in those spaces. Infusing those spaces.
• Understanding. That they’re not just like you. That regardless of how much they are your soul mate, how connected you may be, or all the experiences you’ve shared, they are not the same as you. They are the product of heir life to this point. They’re flawed, they’re imperfect beings. Just like you. Just like all of us.

And so, so many more things, qualities, ways of being we have to keep choosing. Over and over. There’s no auto pilot when it comes to love, relationships or life. Sure, there’s times it feels like that. When everything is in synch. When it’s just in flow. It’s good to remember how those times feel. Those periods. What did you do? How or who were you being? Little things. Lots and lots of little things make up the totality of relationships. There’s big moments in every life, in every relationship. But there’s far more small moments. Everyday moments. Being present in the everyday is fucking hard. Oh hell yeah it is. But that’s the point. It’s work and it’s play. And it’s all in how you choose to be. What you choose to be. You can make it a game, make it fun. Even when it’s a grind, when the world is chewing your ass up. You have to choose what possibility you are. You have to keep choosing, over and over and over again. You gotta be a fucking choice monster.

Because in our heads there’s always the fight, the raging battle. It can erupt at anytime. Anywhere. The past and the future. Old hurts and new worries. Just running loose, having a field day of “what ifs?”… You know those thoughts that can just grab hold of you, hell, make it feel like those thoughts are you. That mad pony gets to running loose and hell, 2-3 hours can go by of living in the past. Of letting the past infuse the present. Or perhaps a better word would be smother it.And the future is the same trap. we tend to project out into some nebulous future. Our minds going down the rails with the future train, which often has several boxcars marked worries and what ifs? And we do the same, trying to figure out what’s going to happen. Trying to develop our plans B, C, D, E and all the way down the line. We try the most ridiculous thing of all, which is to think we can figure out what another person’s thinking or how they will react. That sounds sane, doesn’t it?

Now I’m not saying that when you are going for your job interview, or planning a vacation, or doing a meditation or visualization on a goal, that you shouldn’t think of the future. You need to. You need to be prepared for certain events that you know are coming. Finite, concrete events. Not the every which way he or she could be thinking in terms of your relationship. We need to be in the present. The now. With our hearts and our thoughts. Because that’s the only place we really can affect the world, the ones we love.

Possibility exists at every moment in our lives. We are faced with constant choices. What do we want to make each moment mean? Embracing choice, wrapping your arms around the possibility of sustainable love, well that sounds like its at least worth trying, doesn’t it?

As always your comments, opinions, thoughts and even mad rants are embraced and encouraged. Thanks for dropping in.

Yours in the possibilities,
Cosmo

P.S. To Zen Girl, the cherished and adored possibility of love like I’ve never known it.

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2 thoughts on “Embracing Possibility: More Thoughts on Choice and Love

  1. Well said. The kind of real, true love you’re talking about here – like anything truly worth having – does require conscience choice to get to, and stay in. But the payoff is a lovely thing indeed.

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